Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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