Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
