69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
