i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
