Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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