is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Sponge bath it is.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize