well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
50% drunk capacity currently
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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