Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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