oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
