Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
