you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize