we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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