i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
