R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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