I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
