as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
