I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
