Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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