apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
