OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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