if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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