Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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