i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
