did you get engaged???
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
