I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
