the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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