just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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