i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
