theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize