You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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