sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
