she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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