he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
