You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
