WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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