I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize