Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
