i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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