i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Boobs are out for the taking
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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