did you get engaged???
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
