I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
