I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
