I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
