I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
