Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My bed smells like the plague
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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