u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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