I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
