Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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