It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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