I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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