If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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