i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
