I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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