What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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