We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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