I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
