Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize